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Alright well since life is boring without a bit of laughter I figured I would do the honors of throwing this up here for people to post jokes they think are uncontrollably funny!

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5″7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find yours!!

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A mid-level Blonde executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center’s director that he was an acceptable candidate.

“That’s great!” the executive said. “But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.”

“Yes, sir, it can,” the director replied. “An ounce of accountant’s brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist’s brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president’s is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat’s brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.”

“Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat’s brain? Why on earth is that?”

“Do you have any idea,” the director asked, “how many Democrats we would have to kill to get an ounce?”

~One of my all time favorite jokes!!! Its long but its hilarious!~

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New York:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. F*ck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my *ss with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a f*cking grenade in my mouth, pull the f*cking pin, and I wouldn't feel a d*mn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f*cking mouth. My pants are full of lava-like sh*t to match my d*mn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. F*ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection???
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..... A Quarter-pounder with cheese

I just threw up a little...

^ +1
Since we are talking about fast food.

What does Micheal Jackson and A Big Mac have in common?
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30 year old meat between 2 10 year old buns!

Ha ha

Thats funny! I only know riddles...

Post em up! We could always use a riddle or two

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

One is white, plastic, and dangerous to children. The other holds groceries.



When is it bed time at Neverland Ranch?

When the big hand is on the little hand.



Why did MJ call Boyz II Men?

He thought it was a delivery service



What do JCPenny and MJ have in common?

They both have boys' pants half off

A winter statistic:


98% OF AMERICANS SAY 'OH SH*T' BEFORE
GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM IDAHO AND THEY SAY,
HOLD MY BEER, I'M GONNA TRY SOMETHING HERE.

LMAO! That's Great! Both of you guys.

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

are you sure thats not nacogdoches? Thats actually where my inlaws are from haha, its in east texas right on the border of louisiana

lol I have no idea, I got the joke in an email

how do you get a mormon girl to give you a B.J.?

Dip it in ranch!