slcsubaru.com

touch it gently, put two fingers inside, 3 if its big. rub it in and out, get it nice and wet. thats how to wash a cup.

a boy asks his mom "is it bad to have a penis?" she says "no, why?" "because dads in the bathroom sweating like mad trying to pull it off"

What's the difference between a Raccoon and a Television?








A lot.

kent wins!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

That joke is seriously dumb, but I laughed for like 10 minutes straight, and started crying and wheezing when I heard that joke. IDK why, I really like stupid jokes. I think because you expect something more out of them, then when the obviousness hits you, hilarity ensues.




A cannibal was walking through the forest and passed his brother.

lol that is great!

How do you wake up lady gaga?



Poke 'er face...

And another one that is sure to make you punch your computer:

There was a little boy who lived in a far away land. Close to the boy's home, there was a tall mountain, always covered in snow at the top. Also at the top of the mountain, there was an ancient monastery where ancient monks lived.

Sometimes, the little boy, as he was riding his tricycle around his yard, would look up at the monastery on the tall mountain and wonder what it was like up there.

One day, when the wind was blowing down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold and the little boy could hear a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the little boy made a peanut butter sandwich, hopped on his tricycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours and hours, but he finally made it to the top. He bravely pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"Hello, Mr. Monk, sir. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

Sadly, the little boy got back on his tricycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was a bit bigger and stronger now and now rode around town on his bicycle.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the bigger boy made a ham and cheese sandwich, hopped on his bicycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"Hey, Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

Sadly, the big boy got back on his bicycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy had grown into a strapping youth now and rode around town on his motorcycle.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the strapping youth grabbed a slice of pizza, hopped on his motorcycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 30 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"Yo, Mr. Monk, dude. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

Sadly, the strapping youth got back on his motorcycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was now a young man and often rode around in his new convertible sportscar.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the young man bought a burger at a fast food place, got in his convertible sportscar, and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 20 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

Sadly, the young man got back in his convertible sportscar and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

That night, he thought and thought about the very strange noise and how he just had to know what caused it. So, he resolved to do something about it the next day.

The next day, he got in his convertible sportscar and raced up the mountain, slammed on his brakes, and skidded to a stop right in front of the massive door to the monastery.

He honked the horn of his convertible sportscar until the head monk finally opened the door.

"Alright, Mr. Monk, I want to know what is making that very strange noise coming from you monastery!"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

"Well, then can I become a monk?"

"Why certainly! It is quite easy. You must travel the earth and count the number of blades of grass in every field and the number of grains of sand on every beach. When you return with your answer, then you shall be a monk."

So the young man left the monastery and travelled the earth. For years and years he counted the blades of grass and grains of sand, until one day he had finally finished. He made his way slowly back to the monastery and found the head monk.

"Oh, Mr. Monk, I have travelled the earth these past years, counting the blades of grass and grains of sand. I finally know that there are 123,123,123,123,123 blades of grass in the fields and 123,123,123,123,123 grains of sand on the beaches and I would like to become a monk."

So the man became a monk. At last, he would now be able to find out the source of that very strange noise coming from the monastery.

"Mr. Monk, what is the noise coming from the monastery?" asked the new monk.

The head monk replied, "The source is too complicated to describe in words. I am afraid that you must see it for yourself to truly understand it. This key will show you the answer you seek."

"Take this key to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery. There you will find a long corridor. At the end of the corridor is a door and through the door is the thing that makes the noise."

Well, of course the new monk went immediately to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery and there he did indeed find the long corridor. He walked down the corridor until he could see the door at the end.

Unfortunately, there were three magical fires that never go out blocking the man from the door. He decided to jump the fires to reach the door. The man made sure the key was secure in his hand, took a running charge at the first fire and leapt!

Over the first fire he flew, but he dropped the key. The man leapt back over the fire, ran all the way back down the long corridor, out of the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery and back to the head monk.

"Oh, Mr. Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the first one as I leapt over it."

"Do not worry, for there is another key and you must overcome tests on your way to enlightenment. The second key, however is far, far away in Canada."

The new monk left the monastery and travelled to Canada. It took many years because he had no money, being a monk and all.

Eventually, he arrived in Canada and managed to track down the key to the door. The monk then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. Down into the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor.

The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a running start.

Over the first fire went the monk, key still in hand!

Over the second fire went the monk, key still- RATS!
He had dropped the key in the second fire. The monk leapt back over the second fire, back over the first fire, back down the long corridor he walked and out of the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery. The monk went back to the head monk.

"Oh, Mr. Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the second one as I leapt over it."

"Do not worry, for there is one more key and we must all overcome tests on our way to enlightenment. The third key, however is far, far away in Australia."

The monk left the monastery and travelled to Australia. It took many years because he had no money being a monk and all.

Eventually he arrived in Australia and managed to track down the key to the door. The monk then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. By this time, he was quite an old monk.

Down into the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor. The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a running start.

Over the first fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand!

Over the second fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand!

Over the THIRD fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand!

He had made it! He'd made the jumps and here he was standing outside the door with the answer to his question. Finally, finally, after so many, many, many years of wanting to know what was making the strange noise, he would know. The answer lay through the door in front of him and he could at last be at peace with himself.

Slowly, the quite old monk slid the key into the lock. Turning the key a slight 'click' was to be heard as the lock moved back allowing the quite old monk to open the door. He pushed the door open and stepped inside.

Shock and amazement came over him as he finally realized the answer to his question!



And do you want know what made the sound?

I can't tell you, you aren't a monk!
(Prepare you're hate PM's)

^^^ I am gonna repaint my ceiling with my brains. Thank you.

I've spent way too many nights making drunken friends fall into that trap... I laugh pretty hard every time.

Here's another good one.

There was a fellow, and he had a dog, a pet dog. And he used to walk his dog around, every now and again. And anyway, well, it was a hot summer day and he walking his dog, and he thought he'd stop off at the bar and have himself a beer. And he did just that. He walked into the bar, and he walked up to the bar. And he put his change on the bar, and he said to the bartender, "I'd like a glass of beer." And the bartender said, "Certainly, Sir, coming right up." Meanwhile, while he was waiting for his beer, he looked down the bar and there was this fellow sitting down the bar with a big black slick mean-looking dog. Now the fellow down the other side of the bar, with the short fat squat ugly little yeller dog, said ... nothing. But the guy with the big black slick mean-looking dog looked down the bar at the guy with the short fat squat ugly little yeller dog, and said "hey that sure is an ugly little dog you got there, mister. All short fat squat ugly little and yeller." Well the guy with the short fat squat ugly little yeller dog said to the guy with the big black sleek mean-looking dog "yeah, well he may be ugly but he sure can fight!" And the guy with the big black slick mean-looking dog said to the guy with the short fat squat ugly little yeller dog, "Yeah?" The guy with the short fat squat ugly little yellow dog said, "Yeah." So they decided they'd take them both out back behind the bar and let them fight it out. "I'll put a fiver on mine. You put a fiver on yours. Winner take home the bucks." They figured that was a good idea and they did just that. They took them out the back and they let them fight it out. And the short fat squat ugly little yeller dog just kicked you-know-what out the big black slick mean-looking dog. And when the fight was over and the big black slick mean-looking dog was over in the corner licking his wounds, the short fat squat ugly little yellow dog was hopping around, the guy with the big black slick mean-looking dog allowed as, yeah, the short fat squat ugly little yeller dog sure could fight. But ... "I never seen a dog look like that before, all short fat squat little ugly and yeller. What kind of dog is that anyway?" And the guy with the short fat squat ugly little yeller dog said to the guy with the big black slick mean-looking dog, "Yeah, well he used to be an alligator before I cut his tail off and painted him yeller."

Ah.... the things that come out of the mouth of bob weir.

Nice Joke Brian! I Am so going to use it!

i saw this one over on legacygt.com and i have to post it.

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

^^^^^^^^^ that is great!!!!

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer.)






















The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

Men keep scrolling****.






















So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point: women never listen.

Granpa's IRS Audit

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the
IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa
showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that
you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that
believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa.
'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says , 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I
can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the
bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost
three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts
to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk,
and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never
get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could
possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach
the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates
all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa
told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five
thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over
your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

One more:

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped
and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket
to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young
women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

2 Guys at a bar, one guy has a really small head, about the size of a cue ball. The other guy can't help but ask: "Why is your head so small, is that a birth defect?" The guy proceeds to explain: "Not exactly... Well, I was an old naval captain. Our ship went down and I was the only survivor. I found refuge on an island all by myself where I met a mermaid that said she'd grant me 3 wishes...So my first wish, naturally I asked to be rescued. Sure enough a boat comes over the horizon! Second wish I asked for all the money I could need when I got back, she snapped her fingers and said done!
So she asked for my third wish, I told her I'd really like to have sex with a mermaid. To which the mermaid replied: "Silly, mermaids can't have sex, it's not physically possible".... The man pauses for a moment, and the other guy asks "So what happened?" The guy says: "I asked for a little head instead!"